Maintaining a Friendship in Divorce

Maintaining a Friendship in Divorce


Too many people think that a divorce must end bitterly and seemingly look for reasons to have a bitter divorce. However, this doesn’t need to be the case whatsoever. If you are going through a divorce, it is hard enough to deal with the pain of the separation, why make it more painful than it needs to be?

Divorcing your spouse doesn’t have to be a time of bliss but it doesn’t have to be a bitter fight either. While it may be hard to see what you ever found appealing about your spouse, remember at one time there was love. Even though love may have evolved into discontentment, you have no reason to try to make a painful situation worse than it needs to be. You can go through a divorce as painless as possible if you can remember to take into consideration the other person’s feelings.

Try to think of ways to make the divorce as friendly as possible. If you have children, invite your spouse over for dinner and have a meal as a family unit. If your children are involved in sports, still sit together at sporting events and maintain a connection of sorts for the sake of the children.

Divorce is never easy but mature adults with a good psychological balance can maintain a lifetime friendship even after the demise of the marriage. After all, with or without children from the marriage, you will always have some sort of connection to one another.

If you have in-laws that you are particularly fond of, try maintaining the friendship and love that you have with your spouse’s family. If you were close to members of his family, you can still keep them close to your heart, but know when to back away. When the time comes and your ex chooses to take another significant other home to meet the family, respectfully remember your new position as the ex.

The flip side of the in-law coin is of course true relief if you didn’t get along with your spouse’s family. If you had a controlling father or monster in-law then there is no reason for you to feel like you must continue that relationship with your ex-spouse’s family. In fact, if you have children, it is perfectly OK to cut all ties with the in-laws and respectfully ask the court to mandate that the ex-spouse be responsible for all connections to his or her family where the children are involved.

If your spouse is particularly hurt by a divorce which you initiated, then take the time to call and check on them from time to time. However, don’t lead them into false hope. And if you initiated the divorce, never sabotage a brewing new relationship your ex may have started. Even if you initiated the divorce, a new love interest may stir feelings you never expected, such as jealousy and rage. However, keep the reasons you chose to divorce in clear focus.

Divorcing Your Best Friend

Divorcing Your Best Friend


Nothing could be worse than a divorce except when you know that you are divorcing your best friend. Not only are you losing your spouse but you are losing the person who you confide in, do fun activities with and have known for most of your adult life. What do you do and how do you move on?

First, you must realize that it is over. The friendship as you knew it is gone. The marriage, for whatever reason didn’t work out and the friendship is no longer possible. At least on the level of where it was prior to marriage and divorce. However, there is no reason why you can’t move on and still remain friends.

Many divorces end in friendships but you just have to know where to draw the line so that the friendship doesn’t prohibit one or both parties from moving on into a productive romantic relationship. Sometimes, both people can move on with understanding significant others who understand the odd relationship of a continued friendship among ex-spouses but sometimes they can not and will not agree to a situation which involves outings with an ex.

While divorcing your best friend can be very painful for each person, it is important to move on separately if at all possible. You can still do things together if you are determined to make a friendship work but recognize that this is going to be on a different level and that other people will eventually be a part of the friendship unit.

Discussing your divorce openly and deciding together as a couple separating and as friends , how you would like to see the relationship in several months and several years down the road can help prevent hurt feelings later on after the divorce.

Divorcing your spouse should never be taken lightly. However, if you are divorcing a childhood friend where families have been lifelong friends, then you have many people to consider and relationships to protect.

Marriage counselors can often help you resolve the underlying problems which you may not know exist in the marriage if you aren’t sure you want to divorce. In fact, before you throw away years in the making of a relationship and a marriage, seek counseling and advice from someone who can help you put things into perspective. It may also help to talk to your families together if you think your marriage can be saved. Often, when you are dealing with a lifetime of history together, it is most painful to discard a marriage.

Remaining friends is probably inevitable if there are family connections but both people in the marriage must figure out a way to get past the dissolution of the marriage once other people become involved after the final divorce. Planning ahead will keep everyone involved happy and emotionally prepared for the future. And you most certainly don’t want to hurt the person you must’ve loved the majority of your lifetime.

Keep Your Mind Off of Divorce

Keep Your Mind Off of Divorce


So, you are going through a divorce? Congratulations! Or wait a minute, a condolence may be what you are after. You’re not going to get it, so now is the time to move on with your life and dust the sand off of the seat of your pants and get moving because you have a lot of ground to cover to start moving past your divorce.

First, you need a new you. That’s right a new you! What a great time for a make-over and spa treatment. You need a manicure, a pedicure, and a massage and you need it quick. Call a hair salon and get ready for a new divorce hair-do. Tell the stylist to make it cute, sexy and stylish because you are about to embark on your new life and self-pity isn’t in the program!

Secondly, after you have your new make-over, it’s time to get busy and start planning a fitness program. Without a hungry spouse to feed, you have no more excuses for late, fattening dinners. And you now have time to join a gym which should be your first stop after you leave the beauty salon.

Next on the list is to make sure all mementos of your spouse go in an ex-spouse file or drawer or box. No reason to keep these things hanging around because that is in the past. Understandably, if you have children this may not be possible, but the kids can keep the pictures in their own rooms. You are ready to move on and no reason to have a shrine of your ex all over the house.

After the basic housekeeping is over, double check with a financial advisor and be sure that you are capable of standing on your own two feet, if not you need to learn how to stand on your own feet and some financial planning is certainly in order. You need to plan for any unexpected measures too. Also, you are entitled to your ex’s social security should something happen to him or her so you need to make sure you understand how that works because if you are the victim of adultery, you may not ever want to re-marry for the simple fact that you stand too much to lose financially. See what the requirements are for getting your hands on the dough when the old buzzard kicks the bucket.

Yes indeed, you are going to go straight through this divorce without any emotional problems, without self-pity, without any difficulty whatsoever. You are a survivor and you’ll divorce like the true survivor that you are and with no regrets.

Divorce doesn’t have to be a gloomy time. Do what it takes to move past it and get on with your life pronto! You want to start living and stop feeling sorry for yourself and the best way to do that is to think positively. And if you crash one day, just bounce back into Pro-Divorce mode the next.

Marrying with Divorce on Your Mind

Marrying with Divorce on Your Mind


Have you ever thought about the concept of marrying with divorce on the mind? It happens all the time in a little thing called a pre-nuptial agreement. While many would disagree citing that the reason for a pre-nuptial is larger than what meets the eye, it is still a fact.

While a pre-nuptial is certainly advisable if you are extremely rich and you have earned large sums of money without the help of your fiancée, you should realize that a pre-nuptial or the simple mention of a pre-nuptial will be the beginning of the end of the relationship. So, what should you do to avoid a pre-determined fate of divorce?

The best way to implement a workable pre-nuptial is to state that all assets prior to the marriage are solely your assets. Naturally, you need to have an itemized list of these things including property, cash, stocks and bonds, automobiles and other assets. Your new love interest will surely understand all of that, right? Probably not but here is how you can handle it. Explain to your new love interest that while you have been very successful in the past, that you are certain that the best is yet to come and while you are anxious to share your lifestyle with him or her, you need to know that your marriage is based more than on money alone. Therefore, anything you acquire together will be yours together as a couple. However, you must maintain your independent assets prior to the marriage as a security blanket for the future.

This is a very good time to encourage your future spouse to do the same. In fact, to help your future husband or wife appear to be a very worthwhile partner, pre-nuptial agreements should state that both parties are entering the marriage with independent finances which will remain their own. This in and of itself should make your fiancée feel much better.

Often a pre-nuptial agreement is most damaging when it makes the other person seem less financially sound or even unworthy of a marriage to the other person. This is when problems begin to simmer and there is absolutely no reason to hurt the one you love with embarrassment that a pre-nuptial sometimes brings to the table.

Divorce issues are faced in pre-nuptials and naturally no one wants to jinx their upcoming marriage with mentions of divorce and looming financial contracts but if you are extremely wealthy, you need to take action to protect what you have. There is nothing worse than trying to get out of a marriage without losing everything you have only after realizing your significant other married you only for your money.

When you plan ahead and plan to protect your finances while still providing a good life for the one you love ,then things will proceed smoothly all the way to the wedding alter and long after the I DO!!!

I Divorced My Parents

I Divorced My Parents


Three years ago, I opened my door to a little boy who lived down the street who was teary-eyed and obviously upset. He was lugging his Going to Grandma’s House Duffle bag and that was a sign in itself but I had actually already been notified by the little boy’s mom down the street and was expecting his arrival. Immediately I inquired, “what’s wrong Peyton?”

As his tears began to roll down his cheek, he informed me of what I was expecting all along. “I’m going through a divorce.” Trying to keep a very straight face, I asked him, “honey, who are you divorcing?” He told me he couldn’t tell me so I just invited him in for milk and cookies.

While we were indulging in chocolate chip cookies, I tried to talk to him again, “Peyton, I don’t remember getting an invitation to your wedding, who did you marry?” He started to laugh and I informed him that I was certain I would remember if I had attended a five year old boy’s wedding. He laughed harder then he grew quiet. “I’m divorcing my parents, and don’t try to talk me out of it because I want to be your little boy.” Oh boy, did I need to fix this quickly.

“Peyton, you don’t want to divorce your parents, why do you think that?” I watched for any inclination that he might just be throwing a tantrum and expecting his mom to come through the door at any moment. He drank down a last gulp of milk and then picked up his bag, “we’ll talk about this later, it’s my nap time, and can I share a room with you?” I quickly and gently went back to the other subject at hand, “Peyton, first let me tell you why you don’t want to leave your mom and dad, and why I know you don’t want to live here with us.”

“I’m sleepy and need my nap,” he persisted. Seeing a prime opportunity,
“We don’t take naps here Peyton, right now is the time when we do chores.”
He quickly asked what kind of chores and I found a damp rag and explained to him that today was baseboard and windows day and that we would be cleaning baseboards and windows. He wasn’t amused and still focused on which room would be his and where he should lay down for his nap.

After much discussion about naps and chores, Peyton was very convinced that he still would be staying with me at my house and divorcing his parents. I clearly had lost my ability to negotiate with five year olds. Finally, I decided he could lie down on the couch for a nap. When he woke up his mom was waiting for him to take him home and he seemed glad to go. She later told me that Peyton had decided he felt very sorry for my children because they had too many chores to do when they should be able to take naps.

Leaving a Marriage

Leaving a Marriage


Leaving a marriage is never an easy thing to do. However, whether you decide to try a separation first or just go right into a divorce, there are some things you need to address properly.

First, if you have children, try to address parental concerns and come up with parenting plans to make it an easy transition for your children. Holidays and weekend arrangements as well as full custody issues need to be addressed. While you may not want to conceive of the notion right now of ever dating again, make sure you will always have at least two free weekends a month so that your spouse doesn’t end up with the better deal when all is said and done. No matter how much you love your children, you are going to want to take breaks and sometimes that may mean getting away for a few days which is often easier on weekends.

Finances must be discussed when going through a divorce. Who pays the Master Card bill? Who pays the electric bill for the current household bill? Whose paycheck covers summer camps? Do you send your children to private school, if so, who will pay for that now? You will also need to begin to plan on splitting up any assets of the marriage. Who will get the home where you live currently? What about cars? Who wants the Jeep Cherokee and who will inevitably be able to afford the car payments on the
Hummer?

Divorcing with your eyes wide open will help make things so much smoother for all parties concerned and it is important to tackle the task right up front when discussing parental planning and finances or division of property in an amicable fashion. Also, you need to get these things in writing while both people are in agreement because many times as divorce progresses things can and will get ugly.

If you can not afford an attorney, you need to try to agree on everything together and see one jointly to save money for you both down the road. Just because your marriage lay in ruins is no reason for your finances to be devastated by a divorce.

As soon as possible, separate all joint checking and other finances and sell all property that is jointly owned. If one party is going to keep a jointly owned home, ownership needs to find its way into one name.

The best way to prepare for a divorce is to look on the internet for divorce checklists and search out ways to make sure you cover everything. While you may not want to take care of the housekeeping involved with divorce , it will cause you less grief later if you act responsibly and take care of things now rather than later.

Above all else, be considerate, even in division of property. If you didn’t collect the Elvis albums, let your spouse have them. Fairness in the division of all things will go a long way in divorce.

Divorce and Infidelity

Divorce and Infidelity


Divorce is most bitter when it is because of adultery. There’s no way around it. Hurt feelings and anger seem to fuel the divorce but rage surrounds it and it causes too much animosity for all parties concerned. Unfortunately, infidelity is often the main cause for divorce. However, there are ways to get through it and move on with your life.

Divorcing your spouse is one of the most trying times in your life. You may have heard it said that the person would’ve rather experienced death than divorce. Add in the cause for divorce as being adultery, and the pain is often too much to bear.

Adulterous relationships almost never work out in the long run so if you are the victim in the relationship, then find comfort in that fact. However, many times your spouse doesn’t want a divorce but they don’t want to give up their other relationship. You must move on irregardless. Otherwise, the hurt will become a very big part of your relationship and will consume you.

While some relationships go on to thrive after infidelity, you may be surprised if you do your own research about adultery. Once it starts, it seldom ends because there is often something that the other person needs and they weren’t finding it at home before an affair and they likely won’t find it after the initial affair.

It is also important to remember that while approaching the ‘other woman’ or the ‘other man’ may make you feel better, there is no reason for you to approach them. It is likely they knew your spouse was indeed married and the only thing the other person will shed light on is how much that they know about your relationship with your spouse which will only cause you more pain.

Divorcing because of adultery, regardless of what you are told by a psychologist, is a very viable option and you need to do it. Seldom will you find life after adultery fulfilling. Your spouse may, but who cares. He or she is not worth your self-esteem being lowered. While you may want to work things out and that is very noble of you to show a forgiving heart, things will never be the same. And you will never have the key elements of marriage again.

While you may find this key piece of advice comical, there is only one way to get past the element of adultery if you decide to stay in a marriage after infidelity and that is to have an affair yourself and make sure your husband or wife knows about it. Then, when they ask why or how you could do this to them ask for forgiveness, be sincere in your sorrow for hurting them and then assure them that you can get past it. See if they can live with it and make the most of a new start. The other person won’t like the feelings of betrayal anymore than you did.

Divorce and How to Survive It

Divorce and How to Survive It


If you think filing for divorce is just the worst thing that can happen in a marriage, wait until it is final and things which used to seem routine suddenly seem to present a problem. If you think the worst part of the divorce is the filing of the divorce, then you have no idea what a shock you are in for in the coming days, weeks, or even months.

Divorce has a way of consuming your life. It becomes who you are . You are now a ‘divorced’ individual or ‘single again’ but perhaps you didn’t want that title and now you are finding it harder than you thought to move on with your life. Simple things such as going to the grocery store or to a nearby deli where you used to go together now stings you with the thought of even driving by the physical building.

Divorce is one of the adult things which children don’t need to know much about yet there are so many activities that involve your children where you will find that you miss talking to your spouse about. You will miss sitting at ballgames with your ex and later when your children graduate, you’ll be consumed with what ifs that will seem to consume you all over again. While divorce shouldn’t continue to pounce on your heart, it will still break your heart from time to time and you will have to learn to deal with it as much as you possibly can .

The best way to get past a broken heart is to find a way to move on with your life solo. You probably haven’t had a lot of time to do things you want to do while involved in a marriage, so now is the perfect time to go do the things you want to do and don’t worry about what your ex or anyone else thinks or says about it. So often, married individuals went from their parents’ home straight into a home of wedded bliss and the chance to be an individual; lost. Look at your divorce as an opportunity to move forward by yourself doing the things that you always wanted to do but never had the opportunity to do.

If you don’t have children, you may want to think about moving because sometimes this will help you to move on a little bit better than if you are staying in the same hometown where you and your spouse lived. Taking a well deserved vacation is also something that you may want to do and given the opportunity you said you would do it, so do it.

Divorce doesn’t have to be a death sentence, instead it can be a new life sentence and you may discover that you really enjoy being single. Many adults, after divorce, never re-marry and much of the reason is because they decide they actually like being single.

Divorce and Abusive Spouses

Divorce and Abusive Spouses


Divorcing your significant other is usually brought on by irreconcilable differences. No matter what the explanation is in a court room, the reason is still irreconcilable differences. Think about it, even if your spouse became physically or mentally abusive, you are divorcing your spouse over differences of opinion. He or she wants to abuse you and you don’t want to be abused, so there you have it; irreconcilable differences. While abuse is fine to cite if you don’t have children, why not just quote something general such as the irreconcilable differences if you have children?

Abusive spouses normally become very dangerous when their significant other airs the dirty laundry in a court room by citing abuse. Sure, you have rights too but realize that you are asking to open a can of worms if you want to drag your spouse into the spotlight by citing abuse. However, there are circumstances which are unavoidable where you may need to divorce by citing abuse. If there are police records proving domestic violence, then divorcing under the pretenses of abuse is necessary.

Still, divorcing your spouse when children are involved needs to be handled with kit gloves. While the underlying reason that you may be divorcing is ultimately because of abuse, there’s no reason whatsoever to mentally abuse the children of the marriage by giving the details of the abuse in an open courtroom for all to witness. Have some pride and try to avoid the details for the sake of your children.

While abuse is a very real problem in marriages today as in years past, adults must take some responsibility. Most abusive marriages escalate over a period of time and once it starts, it normally doesn’t quit. If a relationship turns abusive, smart adults leave the relationship immediately. However, if adults choose to remain in an abusive relationship or more specifically, a marriage, then it becomes more difficult to leave the relationship.

Abused spouses can easily cite an irreconcilable difference if they leave the marriage immediately after the abuse starts especially if police reports haven’t started to mount up. If children are involved, then smart adults need to think of their children and leave while leaving is a viable option.

Abusers don’t want to be tagged as an abuser, so try to leave as silently as possible and seek outside help from community resources and family as well as friends. If you have a trusted mutual friend you may be able to encourage them to lighten the sting of the divorce by encouraging your spouse to find other interests.

Divorcing a spouse when abuse is the reason must be done quickly and as painlessly as possible. Even if you are angry and want to embarrass your spouse, try to be level headed rather than foolish and keep the lines of communication open with kindness rather than with bitterness. You want to safely leave the marriage, so act like it. If you provoke your spouse, a war zone is likely to develop and then you would have only yourself to blame.